So inspired by my good friend Julie I have decided to do the blogging thing to attempt to alleviate some of the feelings in my heart and the thoughts in my head. I had a journal long ago, but I feel a fresh one would be the way to go. I'm always overly honest in here, so if you read this count yourself among the undoubtedly few who I will trust with this and because of that, please don't feel the need to discuss anything you read with anyone else.

To start this off I'll delve into my current situation. I'm at a place right now emotionally and mentally that scares me. I've hit the lows of depression again and this time have no helping hand to pull me out, no one to call when the knife looks too good... I'm not suicidal, not really. I don't want to kill myself I just sometimes wish I didn't exist. Sometimes the loneliness overpowers me. The worthlessness. The utter emptiness. I want to gain back control and the scars I have from my past prevent me from going back to cutting. Though in a moment of extreme drunkenness and a bit of a psychotic break months ago I had an episode, first time in so many years that I stopped counting. This luckily did not lead to a relapse. But the desire for control is still very prominent.

Thus, my eating disorder is back in full force. Not that it was ever gone. It had mearly gone from the starving weight obsessed version to compulsive eating. Emotional eating. Using food to fill a void. Naturally this caused excessive weight gain and fueled my return to my anorexic tendencies. At the moment, I have not really eaten in two days. Though yesterday I picked apart a single slice of pizza. Ripping off the crust, peeling the back of the pizza off so it was a small bit of cheese/sauce/jalapeno covered dough. Taking a tiny bite, deciding there was too much cheese and picking it off. Trying another bite, picking off more cheese, discarding the too flavorful jalapenos. Ultimately throwing away the remainder of the slice (the trash ate more than I did).

I've also starting with other weird eating things that I never did before even during my most intense anorexic periods. Such as the silly chew and spit method, purging (have done occasionally, though not a fan), laxatives. I take diet pills, or rather have been drinking this diet drink that I thought would be easier to take on an empty stomach because the pills always made me sick after awhile. I've been out of my drink for a few days and have been suffering caffeine withdraws due to the large amount contained in the drink. I OD'ed on caffeine a few days ago...that was seriously unpleasant.

Aside from the strange eating habits come the obsessive calorie counting, the multiple weigh ins, the frequent breakdowns, the irritability due to the shear hunger. I hate not having control. I hate it when I feel full, I hate it when I can stand up without feeling faint and nearly blacking out. I hate when i don't lose weight, I hate when my clothes don't fit.... The obsessions drive me to the brink of insanity.

I know that this obsession stems from my lack of control over anything in my life. The fact that I am essentially stuck in AZ away from everyone. I have no support system, no one to even go out and have the slightest bit of fun with. I have a roommate/ex bf who hates me most of the time. It kills me that we can't get along. It kills me that I love him and hate him and want him.... Even though I'm unhappy here, I don't want to go back to VA. The prospect of needing to return in 6 months is scary. I'm afraid I won't be able to afford to stay here once my lease is up. Travis is talking about getting a house and then I won't see him again... then its all over. I know it's been over for months, I know theres no chance of ever being with him again... but to know that I won't be able to see him and spend time with him ever again is so hard. Another thing I can't control. I can't make him love me.

I'm typing this up at work. Work. Where I sit up all night and surf the internet, occasionally text a friend, and take care of mentally disabled people. Sounds like an ok gig. And in some ways it is. But I get told off daily about how what I'm doing isn't good enough and how things that aren't my fault really are and other bullshit that I just can't spare the space in my head to worry about. Anyways, this job is over. Which brings on the added stress of job hunting in an economy which is so poor that people far more qualified than me are losing jobs and losing houses. Doesn't leave me with much confidence in my ability to find a decent job that I can stand.

All and all, depression and anorexia leave me so tired that all I want to do is stay in bed all day. Diet pills leave me so hyped up that I can stay up for days. I never go out. Getting dressed in the morning is something that rarely happens. I spend most of my day in the clothes I wore to bed. I wear the same handful of pants because I can't fit into any other clothes, which is another reason why I simply don't get dressed in the morning.

I don't want help, support yes, but I don't want someone to try to step in and "save me from myself" I don't want attention for the things that are wrong with me. Though some attention for the things that are good and right about me would be nice.


Done for now.